Div 5 Men - Round 1 vs Centrals - Defeated 59-32

Div 5 Men - Round 1 vs Centrals - Defeated 59-32

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Maddi Veitch

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The Division 5 side came into the game against Central Lions with more hype than the Warriors v Lakers pre-season match, mainly due to alcoholically enhanced trash-talking from the Winter Dinner (with special mentions going to the garbage emanating from David “White Chocolate” William’s mouth aka “White-Q” around 4am whilst hoeing through a bean filled delight from Zambreros). Most were expecting Steph and Klay-like shooting from the boys, but for unknown reasons, only Lonzo and Javale showed up on Wednesday night.

The team started well defensively, holding Lions well in the first-quarter, however the lack of training time together showed with some sloppy turnovers and a lack of cohesive movement in offense. Luckily the backboard showed plenty of love to our jump shooting, so Thursday’s training session will be solely dedicated to calling “bank” on all jump-shots. The highlight of Q1 came when Atbin “Sacrifice” Yeganeh passively aggressively requested (at least 10 decibels higher than the recommended level) that the Centrals scorer stop the clock during time-outs to ensure we were getting full value for money out of our $10 game payment to BSA. Actually, there wasn’t too much passive from Atbin, just straight-up aggression.

The second-quarter was where the Div 5’s lost the game, allowing Centrals to score at will, particularly from fast-breaks whilst our turnovers continued to pile up. A stern word from spiritual leader and occasional trainer Simran “Splash Brother” Bedi aka “The No. 2 Indian in our Team”, saw that the team closed out the quarter with an equal amount of intensity as Atbin’s spray at the Centrals volunteer who’d given up her free time to score our game.

The team picked up the third quarter where they left off in the second, with solid intensity, improved defensive talking and generally a more competitive edge. The offence started to gel, showing good signs for the future. White-Q, fearing he may be deported at any moment like his oriental namesake, scored his first points for the club, and followed this up with a banked free-throw (which we all hope to wipe from our memories). Some great work inside from Damneet “2017 Lebron’s Shoulders” Sambhy, Sim and Andrew “Droopy” Patten saw us close the gap on the Centrals by the end of the third (to a respectable 25 points), whilst Will “The Steam Boat” Daniels got some great open looks for himself on the mid-range jumpers.

The fourth-quarter saw the lads run out of steam (except of course The Steam Boat) and we struggled to make a lot of shots. Another strong defensive effort from the Griffins saw the Lions struggle equally, keeping them to 7-points in the quarter. The highlight of the fourth was seeing a fast-break effort from The Steam Boat being swatted out of the court by the long-haired hippy from Centrals. This appeared to be more of a political statement against the Adani coal mine in Northern Queensland than a solid defensive act, given the Centrals bloke’s long unwashed hair, shit moustache and offensive body odour are clear indicators of a left-leaning Greens voter hell bent on stopping the steam boat’s natural source of fuel, the coal lump from being mined in Australia. The final 32-59 scoreboard reflected the mixed performance of the Div 5 lads, however there are far more positives than negatives that came out of the first game this group has played together.

The only genuinely disappointing part of our game was the severe lack of 3-point shots taken from the boys tonight. The lads settled for too many shots inside the arc, which as we all know are worth 1-less point than the long-range bomb –Toby makes them look easy so how hard can they be to get in? Special thanks to Steven “Study Nerd” Gowen who intentionally forgot to register with BSA so he could do scoring duties for week 1 – it could be worse though given we’re expecting our starting centre Ben “Most Improved” Knuckey to be signed up and ready to go by Winter 2019.

Finally, in breaking news, rumours are rife that men’s coach Matthew Wensley (who was spotted in the stands while trying to avoid the paparazzi by using the disguise of being a good bloke which they clearly didn’t fall for) is considering calling up an un-named Div 5 point guard who looks distinctly like the illegitimate love child of a Greek Jesus and Nick “The Honey Badger” Cummins. The words ‘Elite Talent’ have been used.

Team Stats:
Droopy: 5-points, 346 cubic litres of sweat produced
Splash Brother/No. 2 Indian: 8-points, 0/2 3-point shooting
The Steam Boat: 4-points, 1x fast-break slap received
D-Man/2017 Lebron’s Shoulders: 8-points, set the only used pick of the game
White Chocolate/White-Q: 3-points, created one sizeable hole in the backboard
Greek Jesus: 2-points, 1x airball, 0 handles
Sacrifice: 2-points, 23-seconds of abuse towards a Centrals volunteer

By Varv